The Mess We're In
by KatieIsLost
Summary: Jate Sequel to Across The Ocean
1. Chapter 1

So, I caved and wrote a sequel. You guys were so amazing with your reviews of Across the Ocean - I hope you like this as well!

Just a note about the title - its from a PJ Harvey/Thom Yorke Duet

Oh, and since I always forget, I don't own lost, not even a little bit!

**The Mess We're In**

**Ch 1**

He walked out, Jack didn't storm anywhere, he just walked deliberately with sure and angry steps. If there had been a door to slam, Kate was sure he would have slammed it, but there wasn't one so instead he had just pawed at the canvas flaps of the large tent, searching for the opening. When he found it, he pushed it opened wide and let the opening fall closed, canvas flapping in his wake.

Kate continued to sit on their bed, one leg tucked under her, the other swinging off the edge. She rubbed her temples, then rose and walked to the door. She found the opening easier than Jack had in his wild frustration. She held one side open and watched him walk to the large medical tent. The Sudan sun was bright and had the effect of making the world look like an overexposed photograph. She loved him in that light, the way it highlighted his now deeply tanned skin, how it seemed that extra light filtered into his eyes enhancing the dark brown. She had noticed that his eyes had flecks of green in that light. But now, watching him walking away like this, his body getting smaller and further away from her, the light seemed too harsh. She brought her hands to her eyes to shield them from the glare, but when she looked for him again he was gone. He had disappeared into a door, or turned a corner around a tent.

She let the canvas fall closed and returned to their bed. She sat for a minute, wondering what to do, how to fix this, but nothing came. She felt him slipping away, and it was entirely her fault. _No_, she corrected herself, _he's not slipping away, you're pushing him away, Kate_. She lay back on the bed crushing clean clothes beneath her, then rolled to her side. He shoulders seemed to collapse in on themselves and she brought her knees closer to her chest. She didn't even realize she was crying until the tears pooled and dripped of her nose onto the dark sheet.

Their fight had escalated so quickly. They hadn't fought like this in ages, not since the island. She had hated it then and now it was so much worse, the stakes were higher now and there was so much more to lose.

She had been the one to broach the subject, the thing that neither of them had brought up for weeks. Their time here was running out. Jack's replacement would be here within the week. They had been here for nearly six months, it was the longest Kate had stayed in one place since before she could remember.

She had been standing at the bed, folding their clothes freshly gathered from the line. She glanced over at him trying to read his mood, predict his reaction to the conversation she was about to start. He had been hunched over in front of a small tarnished mirror trying his best to shave without running water. "I was thinking," She said shifting her eyes back to the pile of clothes. She didn't continue and he glanced up to look at her in the reflection of the small mirror.

"Yeah?" He said.

"I was thinking" she started again. "That when we leave, we shouldn't go back to the States. Maybe we could go to Europe or something." She saw him lower his razor into the bowl of water and shake it out, seemingly thinking about what she had just said.

He didn't say anything for a moment, then he spoke. "Maybe we could stay here." Her heart sank. She had known he would say it, but up until the last second she had been holding out hope that he wouldn't. She had convinced a tiny irrational part of herself that maybe this wouldn't be a big deal, that he would agree and they would plan their next move together.

In her silence he continued, "I mean this has been ideal, right? The federal government isn't going to come looking for you in Africa." He spoke quickly now, trying to convince her, taking her silence as a sign that she was considering the idea. "And I know you love it here. I've seen you with these people, you can't deny that. And as absurd as it sounds, I feel like were making a small impact here. We can't leave now."

Kate sat on the edge of the bed and picked up one of Jack's socks. She pulled at the elastic while she spoke "We can't do that." She said.

"Why not?" he asked casually. The danced around the subject, both still pretending that this was a normal conversation that they could be having any morning. Maintaining almost zero eye contact and speaking as though their lives wouldn't be inexorably changed by whatever decision they came to.

"Well, for one thing, we don't have clearance to stay. 6 months is all we got." She picked up a folded sheet of paper from the rustic looking nightstand and searched for a name. "Dr. Neil Richards and his wife Amy, an actual licensed RN I might add, will be here to replace us in less than a week."

"You really think they're going to turn us away? We don't have to go," He was trying to keep the utter frustration out of his voice, but the anger was edging in and his volume grew. "This is working, you have to see that."

Kate shook her head, trying to find the right words.

He held up his hand for a moment, "Just listen for a second. I don't think I'm explaining this right."

"Jesus Christ Jack, I'm not stupid. I know exactly why you want to stay."

"Kate, that is not what I meant, and you know it."

"Jack, you can't save everybody all on your own. You just can't." She was actually yelling now. "It's fucking Africa! You're not God. You did your part, you feel for the suffering, you move on with your life." He looked at her shocked. "I know, I'm terrible and selfish, but I am not unfeeling, there's nothing left to give. It's time to let someone else try."

They were both silent for a moment. "You're just itchin to run aren't you?" He nodded slightly as the realization came to him, his hands at his hips.

"That is not what this is about." She brought the tips of her fingers to her skull and kneaded the tension there. She didn't look at him. "It's not an itch, it's a necessity. It is how I have to live my life." She said each word deliberately. "I wish my circumstances we're different, but they're not. You knew what you were signing up for, you can change your mind at any time."

"We don't have to go." He repeated for a third time, but his voice was low and defeated.

She looked up at him, "Well, maybe you don't have to go, but I do." She had stared straight at him when she said it, watched his expression change subtly from anger to raw hurt at the idea she could leave him behind so easily. She noticed a bit of shaving cream near his right ear and her eye was drawn to it until he absently reached up and wiped it away.

"I knew this would happen." He said, the anger slowly returning to his eyes. "I wish I didn't know you so fucking well."

And then he had shut down and walked out.

She continued to lay on the bed, closing further in upon her self, tears spilling unchecked until exhausted, she fell asleep.

-----------------

Narrow beds lined the wall of the room Jack was working in. Most of them were filled. Flies buzzed in and out. Jack was talking to a woman laying in one of the beds. Well, talking wasn't really the right word for it. He was communicating to her through his translator, a 24 year old Sudanese refugee from the South named Benjamin. He had been in the US from 13 to 20, than had gotten a job with Doctors Without Boarders and returned home.

The woman had some sort of intestinal parasite that Jack was unable to specifically diagnose without the proper equipment. Thankfully, he didn't need specifics in order to treat her. Benjamin was trying to explain to her Jack's instructions, but the woman kept shaking her head. Jack looking down at her noticed the light change on her face and looked towards the entrance.

Kate walked in, her eyes rimmed red from tears or sleep, maybe both. There was a long crease on her cheek, a result of sleeping hard on a wrinkled pillow case. Still, he thought she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. She looked almost the same as she had when they were on the island. Her freckles were maybe a bit darker from the African sun, but otherwise she was exactly the same. Her slightly shorter hair was pulled back in a loose mass of curls and her opened white button down revealed a green top beneath. Her hands were clasped in front of her and she nervously rubbed her thumb along her palm, her eyes searching the room.

He tore his guilty eyes away from her to look at his translator. "You got this Ben?" Jack asked.

Benjamin looked up and nodded, then returned his attention to the woman. Jack walked around the bed and headed towards Kate, their eyes locked on each other. Her eyes were dark with things left unsaid and he saw her hesitate nearly imperceptibly. A few months ago, he probably wouldn't have even noticed the shift, but now he had grown accustomed to most of her subtle mannerisms. But her eyes still held secrets in their shrouded green depths. A part of her that she made a conscious effort to deny him access to.

_I love her more than she loves me_. He knew this. Sometimes he thought it was his insecurities playing tricks on him, but in that moment he felt it as a certainty. She was going to leave him. She'd probably never look back.

He strode toward her, past beds and cupboards filled with what would never be enough meds, and she took a few hesitant steps toward him. But before he could get to her, before he could make the perfect apology and say all the right things to fix this mess he had gotten them into, an elderly gentleman who worked at the hospital approached her from the left. He should know the man's name, but he didn't. He was relatively new and Jack had always been terrible with names.

Kate knew who he was though and when called out her name, it came out like "Kite", not "Kate," she turned to him and smiled. Jack stopped walking toward her, just stood in the middle of the room and watched her. He said something that Jack couldn't hear and Kate nodded eagerly. She gave the man a brief hug, rubbing his back in comforting circles, and followed him towards a bed at the opposite end of the room. She glanced back at Jack, motioning that she needed a few minutes. Neither of them was angry anymore, but neither of them knew what would become of them either.

He saw her crouch at the edge of the bed she had been led to and talk to the patient there. She had an ease with people that he would never have, he felt a tight twinge of what he knew was irrational jealousy. He turned away from her and walked back to his patient. They could deal with all of this later, they would have to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch 2**

Throughout the day, Jack was able to blow off each of Kate's attempts to corner him. As his excuses got lamer and lamer Kate's expression grew darker and darker. He didn't know why he did it really, it was just staying the inevitable. He'd have to talk to her eventually, they'd have to figure out their next move. Right now they were lodged firmly in limbo – he preferred that to the concrete knowledge of what they would do next. At least this way there was still a chance that whatever they did do, they would at least be together.

Finally late in the day she approached him again. He was crouched in front of a low cupboard, counting medical supplies. She stood over him, her legs spread slightly. He didn't even look at her. Somehow he just knew that her arms were folded across her chest and her jaw was firmly clenched. "Got a sec?" she said, she didn't try to hide the irritation in her voice.

He made a show of looking at his watch as he stood and faced her. "I really don't. I have to…"

But she didn't care. She knew exactly what he was doing. She threw out her hands in frustration and turned away form him. "That's fine, I'll talk to you later." She said as she walked away.

Jack watched her go and opened his mouth to call her back, but he couldn't think of what to say, he suddenly didn't know how to talk to her anymore.

He tried to remember the last time he couldn't find the right words around her, and all he could come up with was when she had come to LA. But that had been so so different. There was no comparison really. The giddy awkwardness of that day was so far removed from the sour feeling in the pit of his stomach today. He didn't even feel like the same person.

He cleaved to that memory, telling himself that they _were_ the same people and they felt the same way.

-----------------------

He had struggled into consciousness from deep deep sleep, he couldn't remember his dream but he knew she was in it. He had said "Kate" into the phone. To this day he still had no idea if it was the residual effects of his dream that had made him say it or if somehow he had actually known it was her.

She had called from a pay phone in Chatsworth. The bus she was taking had made a stop there and she had called to let him know she was coming in to LA, would he pick her up?

"Um, yeah." He had half laughed into the phone. "I think I can manage that."

He could hear her smile as she told him what time the bus was due to arrive. Then she gave him instructions, how to make sure he wasn't being watched or followed, how if he even thought he might be he shouldn't come get her at all.

The conversation had been rushed, not at all what he wanted their first words to each other to be after so much time.

"Okay, Jack, I gotta go, they're flashing the lights." She had said. Her voice sounded further away. She was probably turning away from the receiver to look at the bus.

"Okay, bye Kate." He said, not wanting to hang up yet, but not having any other choice.

"And Jack," she had paused for the briefest second, "See you in a bit."

He had arrived at the bus station 20 minutes before she was due to get there. And of course, the bus was late. 47 minutes of waiting and pacing and agonizing later, he had seen the bus pull up. He stood watching as passenger after passenger unloaded with no Kate in sight. He leaned against the hood of his Range Rover watching and waiting, willing his heart to stop beating so damn fast. Telling himself that LA was probably where most people got off, all he had to do was be patient. There was no reason to believe that anything cataclysmic had happened to her between Chatsworth and here.

And then there she was.

Behind large round sunglasses.

She had two bags looped over her shoulder and was looking down at the steps, carefully watching her footing. When she reached the ground, she shifted the bags and looked around for him. He was already walking towards her.

She smiled and pushed the glasses back on her head.

"You just had to be the last one off, didn't you?" He said smiling.

She just grinned and shrugged, "Help a girl out Jack." She said as she passed off one of her bags. He took the other one from her as well and she walked with him to the car.

He put the bags in the back then they both stood there for a moment, unsure how to proceed.

"Hi" she said, breaking the silence. She opened her arms and he breathed a laugh and said "Hi" back. He hugged her tight, unable to comprehend that they were actually in the same city in the same parking lot standing on the same patch of broken pavement. He didn't have to wait or worry or wonder anymore. He was almost still missing her as he crushed her into him.

She grazed his cheek lightly and then they both stood looking at each other again. Her hand held the bottom of his light jacket. Then, not knowing what else to do, he clicked the disarm button on his keys and they turned away from each other in unison, heading toward opposite sides of the car.

As he drove, he stole furtive glances at her. He pulled up to a stop light and turned to ask her a question. But he had no idea where to start. He wanted to know everything, where she had been, what she had done, how she was doing. But nothing came out. She had been the only person he'd wanted to talk to for months and now he could think of nothing to say. "How was the bus?" He finally settled on the first lame question that he could think of.

"Green." She said.

"What?" He asked, still looking at her.

She pointed at the stoplight, "Lights green." She repeated.

He looked at it. Yep, that was green. He put his foot on the gas and his question lay abandoned in the silence that followed.

"How's your mom?" Kate asked after a few moments.

Jack nodded, "She's good, she's actually visiting my Aunt in Boston right now." As he said it, he felt like he was 17, telling his girlfriend that his parent's house was empty for the weekend. He grew silent again as he felt a hot blush creep up his neck.

He saw Kate steal a glance as he stole one and they both smiled. "This is weird right?" Kate asked as they pulled up to another stoplight.

"God, yes." Jack said and breathed a sigh of relief, thank god this wasn't all in his head. Then suddenly he knew what the problem was.

When the light turned green he pulled into the right lane and turned into the first driveway. Kate raised her eyebrow, probably wondering what the hell he was doing. "I can fix this." he said. "Get out for a sec."

Kate stared at him. Then looked around. They were in the parking lot of an office building. It was Saturday, so it was completely empty. She turned back to him and opened her mouth, but he cut her off before she could ask.

"I promise it'll only take a minute."

"Alright." She said and opened the passenger door. He got out and circled around to her side of the car.

He stood in front of her and stared at her a minute, then put his hands on her shoulders and moved her slightly to the right.

She crossed her hands in front of her, "Jack, what…" But he took her hands and brought them to his waist. Then he methodically slid a hand along her jaw bringing the other one behind her neck. He gently tilted her head up to look at her. He noticed the spray of freckles along her nose and tried to memorize their configuration. He dragged his eyes to hers and was completely caught up in her irises rapidly shifting back and forth as she looked into both of his eyes. He leaned in and hesitated for just a half second, he wanted to draw it out, take his time.

Then he kissed her. Slow and easy at first but growing increasingly deeper. He kissed her like he hadn't seen her in 6 months and kissing her had been the first thing he thought of in the morning and the last thing he thought at night. And she kissed him back like the mere thought of him had gotten her through every single day since they had said goodbye.

When he pulled back, her eyes were still closed. She blinked, trying to focus. "What was that for?"

He shrugged and took a step back. "Well, we didn't do it back at the station, and it was throwing me off. All the anticipation of 'the reunion kiss' and I fucked it up."

"You definitely didn't fuck that up." She said, still slightly dazed.

"Exactly, cause we fixed it. The pressure is off now." He smiled and opened her door.

As he walked around to the driver's side she followed him in the rearview mirror.

He slipped into his seat and put the keys in the ignition. He turned to her before turning the keys. "You know what else has a lot of pressure attached to it?"

"What?" She asked like she already knew what he was going to say.

"Reunion sex. We could do that now too."

She shoved his shoulder. "Put the car in drive, Jack."

**-----------------------**

How had they gone from that to the utter mess of the past couple of days? How had they gotten to this place were they were avoiding each other, making excuses not to talk to each other. How were they going to fix this?

**-----------------------**

The bed was pushed up against the taught canvas wall of the tent. It was a small bed in a small space and it created a forced intimacy that neither Jack nor Kate was thrilled with at the moment.

Jack lay on his side facing the canvas wall. Kate lay turned away from him facing the interior of the tent. They were both completely still, covered only by a thin sheet in the hot desert night. Kate knew he wasn't asleep because he was completely silent. There was no consistent shallow breathing punctuated by a thick nasal sigh every fourth breath. She wondered if he knew her sleep sounds well enough to tell that she wasn't asleep either. Probably.

And it was dark, pitch black can't see the hand in front of your face, dark. On the island there had been the ever present light from Sayid's signal fire and even in the caves there had been torches lit at the entrance every night. But here it was so black at night it was unnerving. Especially tonight, there was no moon to filter in the open canvas windows. There was no breeze to quell the intense heat either.

Kate rolled over to face his back. She reached out and put her palm on his bare shoulder blade. "Jack?" She whispered into the night.

No answer.

"Jack, I know your awake." She said it louder.

Jack sighed, "What is it, Kate?"

She moved her hand from his shoulder blade running her hand down his arm and slipped her fingers between his waist and forearm, forcing her way in. Then brought her arm up over his chest and pulled herself closer to him so she was pressed against his back. She felt his body stiffen, but be didn't push her away. She rested her chin on his arm. "Do you remember that day you left? When you had to go see your mother?"

"I think I recall that, yes." He said, his voice tight and reserved. He could feel her hair spilling on to his arm, fluttering with every word she spoke.

"Do you remember what you asked me?"

Jack sighed again. "Not specifically, no."

"You asked me if I knew you were in love with me."

Jack was silent for a moment. "Oh. That." He finally said. He lifted her hand from his chest and tried unsuccessfully to move away from her. "You know Kate, we really should get some sleep. We have an early day tomorrow."

"Right." She said "Just give me five minutes."

"Fine." He said.

Kate took a deep, steadying breath. "Did you ever wonder why I didn't say it back?"

Of course he fucking wondered why she didn't say it back. All the time. He wasn't about to tell her that though.

She waited in silence for a moment. "I'm going to go ahead and take that as a yes."

She waited another moment, giving him the chance to say something, anything so that she didn't feel like she was talking to a brick wall. She knew exactly what his face must look like, staring into the dark, stony and unflinching.

"I didn't say it because I knew if I said anything, I wasn't going to let you go. I'd find a way to make you stay. And I knew you _had_ to go." She felt his chest inhale deeply beneath her hand. "I knew if I didn't say anything, I'd have to see you again, just so I could say it." He shifted his body so he was flat on his back. She saw twin glimmers in the dark, his eyes searching for hers, their moisture caught the dim starlight that came in from the window.

"But when you came…You didn't…" He wished he didn't sound like a five year old.

She was propped up on her elbow, her face directly above his, her other arm still linked in his. She pulled it away and felt for his mouth placing her hand over it, silencing him. "Let me finish." She said. He nodded and she drew her hand back.

She swallowed audibly, then began to speak again. "This is sort of hard to explain, so just bare with me, k?"

She saw the twin glimmers bob and new that he was nodding.

"If I say it, it makes it real. And if I don't say it, it makes it easier."

"Makes what easier, Kate." He said.

She could feel her eyes squeezing shut against her will, her chin began to wobble and she was so glad for the dark for the first time that night. She didn't want to say it to him. It would break his heart.

"In case something happens, because I can't know what I'll need to do next." She said, tying desperately to formulate coherent sentences, to explain exactly what she was thinking with out losing him.

"You're not making sense Kate. What's easier if you don't say it?" He asked.

"It makes it easier to leave you." Her voice was thin and choked and so so sad. And it wasn't his heart that broke, but hers, because she knew she could never leave without him. If she did than nothing after would mean anything at all. Saying it or not saying it wouldn't matter, because of course she loved him, the end result would be the same.

And she couldn't see his eyes anymore. She thought for a second that he must be gone forever. She felt for his face and her fingers collided with his cheeks. She moved her hands up and felt his eyelashes, wet over closed eyes.

"But I do feel it Jack. I feel it so much. Please don't make me go without you. I love you too much." The words spilled out without her consent, she hadn't meant to say them. The extra sentence had snuck in of its own accord. But it was out now and she couldn't take it back. And then she realized she didn't want to take it back.

Then his hands were on her face, the pads of his thumbs tracing her lips. He pulled her to him and he brought his head up to meet her, kissing her softly in the dark. He breathed her in and wrapped his arms around her small frame and pulled them both into a sitting position on the bed. "You're not going anywhere without me." He whispered.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you guys so much for the reviews! Makes me so friggin happy! This chapter is fairly short and not a whole lot happens, but here it is anyway...

**Ch 3**

In her dream they were back in Arizona, driving in the desert. The sun was high as they bounced in slow motion along the empty highway in his Range Rover. He was driving and she stared at his keys, they swayed silently hanging from the ignition. Her eyes moved up to his sure, capable hands resting on the wheel. She noticed a platinum band on his left ring finger. Had he always had that? She couldn't remember. She glanced down at her own hand and saw a smaller matching ring. She held her hand out in front of her and examined it closely. When had that happened? She was distracted by the sun's rays glancing off the ring, throwing light shadows all across the interior of the car. He took one hand off the wheel and reached for her hand, bringing it to his lips. As they passed dry brush and hazy suggestions of mountains in the distance, he turned to look at her and he smiled a slow and easy smile. She drew her hand back lazily and returned his smile. He turned his eyes back to the road and absently put his free hand at her neck, massaging up into her hair. She closed her eyes and slumped down in her seat.

But then he rapidly drew his hand away from her. She dragged her relaxed eyes open and turned to him but all she could see was that his hand was covered in blood. Color quickly leaked out of the rest of the world until all she could see was the bright red liquid as it dripped heavily from his hand onto the center console, pooling beneath the parking brake. Jack's grey face was horrified and he stared from his hand to her and back to his hand. Was that her blood? She tentatively reached to the back of her head and felt a sticky mess of wet matted hair. She looked at her fingertips, they were stained a shiny dark crimson. She turned to look at Jack, sure he could help her, but he was no longer in the car. She opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came.

She shuddered awake, her breathing erratic and frightened. It was early morning, the sun just up. She was thankful for the gold light that filled the room, she didn't think she could handle waking up from a dream like that in pitch black. He was the first thing she saw. Flat on his back, mouth slightly agape, sheet thrown off in the heat. She was on her side, facing him and he had one hand draped over her hip. Somehow in the night they had switched places and her way out of bed was blocked by him. Silently she angled her body away from him as she lifted his hand and placed it gingerly on the bed. He inhaled and turned his face away from her and she grew still, not wanting to wake him. But his breathing fell back into a regular rhythm and he showed no signs of coming to. She wondered if it would be easier to jump over the wrought iron railing at the foot of the bed or to somehow climb over him. She chose the latter and reached over him to pull the mosquito netting apart. Getting over his seemingly lifeless body proved to be a bit of an ordeal but she managed to do it successfully without disturbing him.

She closed the netting and then padded around the room silently, tending to her morning routine. Most mornings she got up before him, but only just. She glanced over at him as she pulled on her jeans, he was dead to the world. She was glad for it, she wasn't sure that she was ready to talk to him after last night's big disclosure. Her heart pounded hard just thinking about it.

Every time they argued, every time they slept together, every seemingly minor conversation they had, she exposed tiny bits of herself to him. And last night had been big, maybe a little too big.

Of course, he did the same. It was just what normal people do. Dole out personal information and habits and other mundane tidbits piecemeal. Get to know each other better and better. Fall further and further in love.

But she wasn't normal people, and she wasn't used to this. Part of her liked it, the other part of her was afraid of how much she liked it. And still another part of her, the part of her that seemed to be shrinking daily, wanted desperately to just shut down completely and stop giving everything away. Mostly though, she was surprised he hadn't taken to the hills yet. She would have.

Of course the major stuff, the really, really big stuff, she still kept close to the chest. She knew that he knew most of it already. Snatches of information from her medical records and whatever information her lawyer had gleaned from her criminal record. Jack wasn't a moron, he could put two and two together. Still, he never brought it up.

She ran a hand through her hair as she searched for a brush. The tangled curls reminded her of her dream and she shook her head, trying to get the image out of her mind. She gave up looking for the brush and just twisted her hair into a knot.

As she washed her face and brushed her teeth she couldn't stop thinking about the dream. How she had been so comfortable with him, how everything had felt so perfect and simple and right. How even after the blood she had only really been scared when she realized he was inexplicably gone.

She pulled the toothbrush out of her mouth and looked at herself in the tiny mirror. "It was only a dream." She said out loud trying to rid herself of half formulated thoughts about dependency and need.

"What was only a dream?" She heard directly behind her.

She turned and saw him standing there, all pajama bottoms and bare feet. His eyes sleepy and far too adorable for her liking. "Nothing." She said quickly and stuck the toothbrush back in her mouth turning back to the mirror.

He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, moving his thumbs in delicate circles. He tried to meet her eyes in the mirror but he was far too tall and it was far too small. "Kate?" he said, his voice low and serious, "We, um…We're okay, right?"

He sounded so unsure that she could feel her heart break a little. And as much as she wanted to be hard and strong and pretend that she had never said those big, big words, she couldn't help it. She turned and wrapped her arms firmly around his waist, nodding into his chest. "Yeah." She said, "We're good."

He hugged her tight and seemed to exhale his nervous energy, his body sinking solidly into hers. "Good." He breathed directly into her hair. "And, uh, that's my toothbrush."

She pulled her face back to look at him. "What?" She loosed her arms from him and looked at the toothbrush in her hand. It was definitely hers. "The orange one's mine." She said.

"Nope." He answered just as sure as she had been. "I'm orange, you're blue."

She looked at it again. "Are you telling me that we've been using the same toothbrush?"

They both glanced at the blue one resting in a cup near the "sink" which was really just a pitcher of water and a large bowl. The toothbrush looked suspiciously underused.

"That's disgusting." She said. She reached to put the orange one down on the counter quickly. His arms were still around her and she had to strain against his grip.

He snorted a little "It's not that big a deal, Kate."

She just looked at him horrified.

"Really," he said a smile playing at his lips. "It doesn't bother me if you use my toothbrush."

"Your toothbrush?" She said astonished. "You don't seem very concerned about this, Jack. I can only assume that you were this unconcerned when you began using _my_ toothbrush in the first place."

He grinned at her. "You can have the blue one." He said as he pulled one hand from around her waist to wipe a bit of toothpaste from the corner of her mouth. He brought his thumb halfway to his lips then stopped and looked at her. "Will it gross you out if I lick my finger? I mean, this probably has some of your spit in it."

She rolled her eyes and her mouth curled up at the corners despite her silent protest. "You're such an ass."

"I just need clarification on the spit to spit rules. It seems to me that there have been plenty of times where you haven't minded a little spit contact. Oddly enough, sometimes you even seem to enjoy it." He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise.

She shook her head and smiled down at her feet, but he just continued. "For example, if I do this," He bent his head to her neck and lightly kissed the hollow where her jaw met her ear. Then he took her earlobe in his mouth and gently sucked. He drew back. "Is that acceptable saliva contact?"

She cocked her head to the right and pretended to think. "I think that'd be alright."

"And this?" He asked and he unbuttoned the first two buttons of her shirt, pushing it open to reveal her collar bone. He traced his lips lightly along the ridge as he undid the remainder of the buttons.

She shrugged. "That seems acceptable. I defiantly think further tests should be done though."

"Just so we're sure?" His fingers were already at her zipper.

"Of course," She said, pulling his face to hers. "We need to be sure."


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch 4**

After a relatively uneventful week, it was Thursday, the day when Jack's replacement was due to arrive. They still had yet to discuss their next step, let alone create a concrete plan for where they would head. All she knew was that after leaving the Sudan, they would fly to France, home of Doctors Without Boarders headquarters. After that it was wide open.

The knowledge that she would not have to go it alone though was all she needed for now. She was sure if she had to, she could get used to a solitary existence again. If she had to. But remembering those times was hard, it had become a foggy and disconcerting memory of days that she didn't want to remember.

Back then, just after Tom but just before Jack, she would spend days on end speaking to no one, just driving and sleeping, forgetting to eat, and turning further and further inside herself. Days like that she could actually feel the chords that tethered her to this earth slipping and fraying, tiny bits of rope swirling and coming loose. And as absurd as it sounded, she firmly believed that with the tiniest trip, not even gravity could hold her down. But the scariest part about it was that she found it so hard to care one way or another. She could disappear completely and the few people who still loved her, friends and family she hadn't seen in years, would probably never know it. And if they did know, the only thing she thought they'd feel was relief that it was over, they didn't have to worry about her or wonder where she was. It would be so easy to just slip silently away.

But now the frayed chords had secured themselves firmly to Jack, winding tighter with each passing day, and slipping silently away was no longer an option, not even in the vaguest sense. She couldn't come loose from him even she wanted to.

------------------------

Benjamin, Jack's translator, saw the truck coming before anyone else did. It was about 4:30 in the afternoon and the sun, low in the sky, reflected off the widows as the white truck bounced along the unpaved road. Kate followed Jack and the others out of the medical tent to greet them.

Neil and Amy (Kate remembered their names even before they were introduced) looked travel weary but open and congenial. Neil was perhaps a little more at ease than Amy who looked around, trying to take everything in. She was tall, had to be at least 6 feet, and she towered over her husband by at least three inches, even in her Nike's. She had light red gold hair and pale, pale skin that was probably burning even now. She was insanely beautiful. But her husband was a dork, there was just no other word for it. But Neil was the sort of guy who owned his dorkiness. He looked nothing like a doctor with his think black glasses and baseball hat, the kind of hat a prematurely balding man wears. The two of them didn't go together at all and Kate found it instantly endearing.

Jack shook both of their hands and flashed a warm smile, Kate hung back a little, but smiled when Jack introduced her. Then he picked up a large box from the back of the truck and headed towards the hospital, motioning for them to follow him.

Neil grabbed a box and followed Jack, but as Kate moved to grab one, Amy touched her arm and stopped her. "Kate, right?" She asked.

"Mm hmm" Kate nodded and turned toward her, shielding her eyes from the sun.

Amy reached behind a box labeled Antiretroviral Drugs and pulled out a smaller shoe box, handing it to Kate. "They gave this to us." She said, "Back in France." And then, probably because Kate was still looking at her, she added "We didn't open it."

The box was held shut with a thick rubber band and Kate slid it off quickly, she had a feeling she knew what was in it. When she removed the lid she found a small bundle of unopened letters. The first was addressed to Jack, but when she saw the second, her breath caught in her throat. The name on it, Kate Shepard, stopped her heart. She had been posing as his wife these past months, even signed the name on various waivers, but she had never seen it in someone else's handwriting before. And the handwriting, she would know that writing anywhere.

She quickly placed the lid back on the box. "I'm just gonna…" She trailed off,

"Sure." Amy said as she grabbed a box and headed the same direction as Jack and Neil.

"I'll be back in a minute." Kate said, but she was already walking quickly toward her tent.

When she got there she dropped the box on the bed and quickly tore into the letter. As she read she turned and sat on the bed, bright tears already threatening the corners of her eyes. The letter was a long one, a good three pages, but she read it through twice in minutes. Then she wiped her eyes and carefully folded the letter, placing it back into the envelope. She put the letter back in the shoebox and slid the box safely under the bed.

When she got back to the others, she found that all the supplies had been unloaded and Jack was mid tour.

As Jack and Neil spoke, Kate looked at Amy. She was slightly taken aback by how much she reminded her of herself. She easily could have _been_ her a few months previous, minus the extra inches and plus a little baggage of course. Her eyes were wide and she silently watched everything around her. Her fingers encircled her husband's wrist, never letting him get further than a few paces in front of her. But beneath this fragile exterior was a sort of hard core. Kate could tell that Amy was not used to feeling this overwhelmed by anything, ever.

She remembered her first days here, the desolation she was never prepared for despite the mass quantities of reading material and research provided by Doctors Without Borders. It had flowed down into her like the Nile flowed out of Africa, spreading out in tributaries of famine and death and disease, estuaries of war and absolute human suffering, until all she could see was despair and all she could feel was helpless and small, caught up in the uncontrollable current. It threatened to overtake her and pull her under and she had tried so hard to keep her head up, if only for him.

Their first night there, after the initial shock and what felt like hour upon hour in the makeshift hospital that Jack now ran so expertly, they had cleaved to each other, making love long into the black hours of night in spite of their exhaustion. She remembered wanting to suck the life right out of his warm skin and hot breath, to breath in everything about him that was alive and healthy and right next to her. They hadn't spoken, but their tiny one room tent with half unpacked luggage strewn carelessly on the floor had been filled with breathless stifled moans and sighs. And finally, close to dawn they had fallen asleep tangled in each other, her face pressed against his neck, the purr of his pulse entering her dreams as he ran his fingers the length of her bare back.

Her eyes met Amy's and she gave her a reassuring smile. "It does get easier." She said and she watched as Amy tried to focus on what she had said.

It really did get easier. Over the first few days she had forced herself to take a step back, even though at first it had seemed impossible. But she had to, for purposes of self preservation. And after all, Kate was very, very good at self preservation.

She had retreated and reminded herself that in addition to this place, the world held frivolous things, and lovely things and trite things that she still cared about. And there was still her own personal hell that she carried around with her. And she found, quite to her surprise, that there was room enough in her heart for all these things, even room for the enormity of the situation she found herself in.

"I promise it does." She continued to Amy. But Amy looked startled at her voice and confused by her words. "Get easier I mean, I promise it does."

"Do I know you?" Amy asked harshly as she stared back at Kate.

And now Kate looked startled, she had only been trying to comfort the girl.

"Oh God," Amy said hurriedly, her tone apologetic, "I didn't mean it like that, you're being so nice, but you really do look familiar. Have we met before?"

And then everything seemed to slow down. Jack stopped mid sentence and turned to Kate, their eyes locking. How could they have been so unprepared for this? The likelihood of either of them being recognized shot up enormously when Americans showed up. People who had, of course, heard about Flight 815 over and over again, seen their pictures plastered across TV screens and magazine covers. Dateline and 20/20 had devoted entire hour specials to Kate's story in particular. Of course she looked familiar.

Jack's eyes were wide as he stared at Kate, they betrayed his fear and threatened to draw her into that fear completely, then he shifted his eyes away from her, breaking the spell.

After he looked away, Kate was able to recover rather quickly. "Just one of those faces I guess." She said and shrugged. And then she fluidly steered the conversation towards Amy, asking her where she had grown up. Amy answered Kate's questions, even asked Kate some of her own, but she couldn't help noticing the way she continued to look at her, squinting slightly as though she was trying to place her. And as he continued talking to Neil, Jack shot Kate worried glances every few minutes.

---------------------

"So, that was close." Jack said later as they got ready for bed. He pulled his shirt off and draped it over the railing at the foot of the bed. "Think she'll figure it out?" He tried to keep his voice normal, unconcerned, but Kate could hear the edge in it.

She rubbed her eyes as she headed toward the sink. She was careful to grab the blue toothbrush, not the orange. "We're only here for more three days Jack, best case scenario, they don't figure out how they know us till were gone, better yet, not at all."

"And worst case scenario?" He asked, staring at her as he sat on the edge of the bed pulling off his shoes.

She glanced at him without turning away from the sink, "They figure it out while we're still here. It's not like they can contact the authorities. We'll be long gone before anyone else knows."

"Kate," He sighed, but didn't finish.

"I know, I like them too." She walked over and sat next to him on the bed. He had his hands on his knees, palms down and she slid her hand over one of them picking it up and braiding her fingers through his.

He looked at their hands, than up at her face. "So, what now?"

Kate released his hand and flopped on her stomach to reach under the bed. "I almost forgot." She said as she pulled the shoebox out.

"What is this?" He asked as she passed it to him.

"Amy gave it to me." She answered, "Open it."

He did, and he sifted through the letters. He stopped at the one addressed to Kate Shepard. "That one," she said, "Read it."

He pulled out the thick pages and scanned through the first sentences. "Is this from your sister?"

She nodded.

"She's in Prague." He said, not looking up from the letter.

"Yep." Kate nodded again.

"What does she mean 'like we met last time'?" He said as he finished the letter.

"Its complicated, can I explain in the morning?" She said, slipping out of her jeans and climbing into bed. He just looked at her. "Honestly, I'll explain in the morning. Come to bed Jack."

He reached over and turned down the lamp, then crawled in next to her.

"We're going to Prague." He said into the dark.

She was quiet a second. "Yep, we're going to Prague.


	5. Chapter 5

The alarm blared and Kate reached across Jack to slam the snooze button down. She saw the blue numbers flashing briefly before she closed her eyes and leaned back onto the pillow. 4:15. Fucking battery operated travel clock.

Jack groaned and she heard the bed creak as he swung his legs off the side and slowly sat up. He was still for a moment, just orienting himself in the dark. Without opening her eyes she propped herself up on one arm and reached across his chest with her other arm, pulling him back onto the bed.

"Five more minutes" she murmured insistently.

He said nothing but shifted his body so he was facing her and wrapped his arms around her snugly.

But then, it could have only been seconds later, the alarm was blaring again, demanding and irritating. And as much as she wanted to silence it, she wanted to remain right where she was even more. He didn't move either. And finally the sound was too much and again, she tried to reach around him, but his hold on her was too tight and she couldn't loose her arms.

"We gotta get up anyway." He said into her hair.

She inhaled and pressed her head more firmly into his chest. "But its so early." She whined.

He unwrapped himself from her and sat up in one fluid motion. Then fumbled a bit for the night stand and turned off the alarm. A heavy silence pressed at the corners of the room, it was only broken by his graceless attempts to light the lantern that sat next to the alarm clock.

She remained in bed as the light flickered, then grew, casting a dim orange glow on their small home and their scant belongings. She slowly looked around, glancing at their stacked luggage, broken bits of furniture, worn out throw rug, until her eyes landed on him.

He looked back at her and then after a moment said "C'mon Kate, we don't want to miss our flight."

And suddenly leaving this place, this room without electricity, running water, even space, was the last thing she wanted to do. She was so completely caught of guard by the unwanted thought that she immediately sat up and determinedly went about getting ready and packing her remaining items.

About 15 minutes later, there was a knock on the wooden plank near the entrance of the tent. "You guys up?"

Jack stood up from the black bag he had been tucking clothes into and turned to look at Kate who was at the bed, trying to jam the alarm clock into another bag. With out taking her eyes from his she loudly said "Yeah Amy, come in."

The past few days with Amy and Neil had been…weird. It was really the only word for it. Jack and Neil got on wonderfully, at every meal they shared they would talk seemingly endlessly about surgeries and procedures that Kate just couldn't bring herself to care about. She and Amy would glance at each other and roll their eyes, like kids in grade school. And despite the incredibly short time they had spent together, just over 4 days, she could actually see Amy becoming a friend. But in addition to this, there was a palpable distance between all of them. And Kate would still catch Amy looking at her at odd moments, she could feel her figuring it out, slowly putting the pieces together. Even Neil had started shooting her concerned glances. She was sure that the two of them had discussed her. And why not, she and Jack had talked the subject into the ground.

And just last night, Amy had thrown out a flippant comment about Iowa. Sure, it could have meant nothing, but Kate's stomach had dropped all the same.

Amy pushed the canvas aside and entered the tent. "We should get going, it's a long drive." She glanced around the room, avoiding both sets of eyes.

Jack slung a bag over her shoulder and asked "Where's Neil?"

"Still sleeping," She said and she walked further into the room, she picked up one of the bags from the floor. "I told him I'd drive you guys."

He nodded and headed out the door. Just before he reached it he turned back to Kate. "Ready?" He asked.

She heaved the bag up with both hands and nodded quickly. Curls drifted over her face and shielded her eyes. She shook them back and headed toward him. Jack passed under the doorway, holding the flaps open for Kate and Amy followed directly behind them.

The drive to the nearest airport was a four hour one, and the time seemed to pass slowly. Jack had hopped into the back seat before Kate could protest. She could see him now through the rearview mirror. He was slumped low in the seat with his head hanging back on the seat, fast asleep.

Kate and Amy sat in the front, completely silent having long ago abandoned their meager attempt at small talk.

Kate stared out the window, then she leaned back and closed her eyes. But she had never been very good at sleeping in cars. The constant motion somehow demanded her attention and she was enthralled by the changing (or in this case, unchanging) scenery that passed by so quickly. She willed herself to remain like this, still in the seat until sleep came.

"I know who you are." Amy said it so low that at first Kate thought she must have been dreaming.

She opened her eyes and turned toward her. Amy stared straight forward, eyes unwavering from the dirt road that stretched in front of them.

"What?" she whispered, squinting in the bright sun.

"I said I know who you are." She said, still not meeting her eyes.

Kate nodded slowly, she was already formulating escape scenarios, trying to remember what she had at her disposal in the truck. And she had no idea what to say, nothing came to her. Time seemed to slow and she glanced again at Jack sleeping in the backseat. If she were alone, she knew exactly what she would do, she had done it before. She would reach for the steering wheel. She could almost see herself doing it, jerking the wheel and tipping the truck. But with him sleeping back there, it was just far too dangerous.

She would have to buy some time.

And then finally, Amy looked at her. Kate was shocked by her expression, even more surprised by the tears freely flowing down her cheeks.

She removed one hand from the wheel and pressed her palm into her cheek. "I don't even know why I'm telling you." She shook her head. "I haven't even told Neil, I wanted to wait until you were gone."

Kate was still just trying to wrap her head around what the hell was going on. "So your not…"

"Going to tell?" Amy finished. She shook her head, "I'm not going to say anything." She laughed a little, "Who would I tell anyway?" She gestured to the landscape.

"But then why…" She couldn't even process enough to have coherent thoughts. "Then why tell me at all?" Kate asked.

Amy shrugged. "I just wanted you to know, I guess." She was looking at the road again but glanced quickly at Kate. "I didn't even want to come here, did you know that?"

Kate shook her head.

She inhaled, "I didn't, but I didn't have the heart to tell Neil. But then I met you guys, and you guys are just so obviously connected," She nodded towards Jack in the backseat. "And I thought maybe it would be okay. That maybe Neil and I could survive this. Or that I could anyway, cause Neil can survive anything."

Kate nodded, "If I can do it, you can do it?" she half laughed.

Amy shook her head, "Thats not what I meant."

She was constantly surprised by how similar she and Amy were. Even the way she talked about Neil. It was what she hadn't even been able to admit to herself. He was stronger than her, more capable, definitely more grounded. "Its okay," she said, "I didn't know I could do it either. You'll be fine."

They were both silent for a couple minutes.

"So, does he know?" Amy asked.

"About me? Yeah, he knows."

She glanced back at Jack. He had turned his face to the side, away from her. She knew instantly that he was awake, just trying to keep his breath shallow and normal. She wondered when he'd woken up and how much he'd heard.

"And he's okay with it? He stays with you even though you've…" She trailed off.

"Eh, not really okay with it so much as accepting of it." She answered.

"Why?" she blurted out.

Kate glanced sideways at her.

"Sorry, I'm sort of not good at people." She sounded genuinely apologetic. "I just meant that he seems so strait edge. Not really the criminal type."

Kate smiled to herself. "Jack's sort of a glutton for punishment."

She heard him cough and stir behind her and grinned wider.

---------------------------

The last half of the drive went rather quickly, and before they knew it, they were at the airport. Amy pulled on to the pavement and stopped the truck. The three of them hopped out and unloaded the luggage, then hugged their goodbyes.

Kate smiled at Amy as she pulled out of the hug. "You'll be just fine." She said as she rubbed her shoulder.

Amy nodded silently, fighting back the tears. Then she opened the door and slid into the truck. She waved and smiled as she put the truck in reverse.

After watching Amy drive away, Kate and Jack stood on the tarmac and stared at the small plane they were due to board shortly.

Jack turned to her. "Glutton for punishment, huh?"

Kate just smiled and shrugged.

They continued to stare at the plane, unmoving. She was sure he was thinking the exact same thing he was. "Can't we just sail to Prague?" Jack asked.

Kate laughed, then they picked up their luggage and headed toward the plane.


	6. Chapter 6

_very very short chapter just to tide me over till i have more time to write - there's more coming, I promise_

**ch 6**

As he stumbled out of sleep, he heard the shower sputter then start. Where was he? The bed, with its 400thread count sheets and wonderfully overstuffed pillows was much more comfortable than any bed he could remember sleeping on recently. Dim light filtered into the room from behind heavy, unfamiliar curtains. Still hovering on the edge of sleep he fought off the urge to close his eyes again and sink further into the pillows. He blinked and stretched his arms above his head. He could hear the noise of the shower alter ever so slightly as the stream of water no longer hit empty tile but her bare skin, and then he recalled where he was.

Isolated images from the previous day flooded his memory.

Holding her hand, clutching it really, on the plane as they both attempted to push themselves as far back into the horrible blue seats as possible, both silently willing the plane to stay in the air, just stay in the air.

Taking a first real breath as it set down on the ground.

The shock of a bustling city, loud and overcrowded with healthy people.

Kate expertly hailing a cab outside the airport.

Kate walking purposefully through the lobby of the hotel, approaching the front desk with a sure confidence that left him unnerved and wondering if she was comfortable in just about any situation imaginable. She had leaned ever so slightly on the marble countertop as she asked if the attendant spoke English. He had nodded curtly and she had asked if there were any messages for a Lori Eastbrook. She had flashed an involuntary smile as he slid a sealed envelope across the desk.

Staring straight at her as he tipped the bellman. Her lifting her shirt just before she heard the door click shut. Pulling him into the bathroom by his collar and into their first hot shower in far too long.

The gluttonous joy of room service.

His hand on her bare shoulder sliding down her back to that beautiful dip just before the swell of her ass.

Which brought him back to this bed. This comfortable bed that he never wanted to remove himself from. He heard the water shut off and a few minutes later his eyes followed her as she entered the room and crossed to the far corner where their suitcases lay untouched where the bellhop had left them.

As she riffled through the luggage, she turned to look at him. Wet curls clung to her cheek and neck. He was particularly fascinated by one rivulet of water that dripped from her collar bone down her chest and disappeared beneath the white hotel towel she had wrapped herself in. "C'mon Jack," she said "We gotta get going."


	7. Chapter 7

I am so sorry about the long, longwait. I hope I still have some readers left! And if I havn't said it before, your sweet words get me through the day. K, here it is...

Ch 7

He held the door open for her. "Ladies first." She heard him say as she slipped past him. Without looking at him, she knew he was smiling. She could hear it in his voice.

"What?" She asked, a hint of a smile playing at her own lips. She glanced quickly at him, and he turned away from her to jiggle the door handle, double checking that it was in fact locked securely.

He shrugged, turning to her again. He held the key card out to her and the tiny smirk never left his face. She stared at him a minute waiting for an answer. "Nothing." It was the sort of nothing someone said when they wanted to string someone along.

She was suddenly and inexplicably annoyed with him. If he wasn't going to tell her, she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of asking twice. She took the key that he still held between his fingers and turned away from him as she shoved it in her back pocket. She walked brusquely down the long corridor of the 23rd floor, past discarded room service platters and "Do Not Disturb" door tags.

Jack met her speed, but walked just a pace behind her. When they reached the elevator, she pounded rapidly on the down button with the palm of her hand.

"I heard the more you push it, the faster it comes." She heard him say behind her. She ignored the comment and crossed her arms, tilting her head up to watch the arrow slowly move to indicate which floor the elevator was on.

He took a step forward so he was standing just behind her. His hand was at her waist and he bent his head and spoke low. "I was only going to say that you clean up nice."

Before she could respond, they heard a ding and the elevator doors slid open. They stepped in and simultaneously turned to lean against the railing in the back. The door closed quickly and Jack leaned forward to hit the button for the first floor.

Rationally, she knew he had only meant it as a compliment. But there was something about the phrasing that just hit her the wrong way. Her body tightened and she angled herself away from him.

Three walls of the elevator consisted of floor to ceiling mirrors. As they jolted into movement, her stomach gave a tiny lurch and she met her own eyes across the small space.

She took the two of them in, Jack leaning comfortably against the brass railing, holding her jacket under one arm. His fingers tapped lightly as they moved slowly towards the first floor. He looked so at ease, so comfortable in his well tailored suit, his tie tied just so. He was made for suits like that.

And she, in her charcoal wool pants, a half size to small, spike heeled boots, arms crossed in front of a sleeveless black shell.

They painted quite the picture. And they looked good together, better than good she thought, they looked Right. Flawless perfection in Armani and Dolce and Gabbana. Beautiful and enviable. But what were they really? Strip them down to their bare essentials and not only were they trying to fool onlookers and passersby, they were trying to fool themselves. Something they had succeeded at for a long time. Hell, they were both pretty good at denial, and she better than anyone.

She looked at them again and all she saw were the tiny fissures and cracks on the canvas. The distinguished doctor and his what? White trash, criminal girlfriend cleverly disguised as an upstanding member of the social elite?

She could put on the insanely expensive clothes. Clothes, she reminded herself, that he had bought for her. She could tame her wild, dark curls with a flat iron. Even try to cover her freckles with some impeccably tasteful makeup. But they both knew the truth.

At heart they were so different. Probably too different to work. How long could they keep going like this?

She took a deep breath. She felt herself being weighed down by these thoughts, and that simply wouldn't do. She needed to focus, and she needed to do it quickly. Far too much was at stake for her mind to be elsewhere.

She brought a hand up behind her neck, then nervously tugged at her ear, twisting the small diamond stud. "Details" he had said as he unceremoniously handed the earrings to her this morning. He hadn't wanted to make a big deal out of it. They weren't even in the box. But she had seen him steal nervous looks in her direction as they got dressed.

She turned the earring and she could feel it come loose. But before she could stop herself or prevent it from happening, the stud came out of her ear and she heard it bounce on the floor. She was on her hands and knees in seconds, searching for it in the dim corners. Jack bent over to help her, but it only served to block her light. She went to stand up and search another corner but crashed into his chin. The whole thing was just absurd.

Jack hit the red stop button and the elevator halted abruptly. But the small space and the nearness of Jack in combination with loosing the earring was causing her panic to rise. She took a deep breath and waited for her frantic heart to stop pounding.

Searching for the tiny object, she was unexpectedly reminded of her dream the previous night. She had been looking for something then too, something small but unusual. It couldn't have been a pea? That was ridiculous. But as the dream slowly reformed itself in her head, she was reminded of something she hadn't thought of in years. Despite her tomboy leanings, she had secretly adored The Princess and the Pea. It had been her favorite fairytale as a child, her only fairytale really. Even as a five year old she had understood that this princess was not like all the other ones. She didn't sleep for years in high towers or wear glass slippers silently waiting for rescue. She was bright and spunky and even messy. Showing up at a castle soaking wet and muddy was something little Katie could somehow relate to.

She had begged her dad to read it to her over and over again. And he had obliged nearly every time. Partly because it was the one sure way of keeping her still for two minutes, but mainly because he had indulged her every whim. After he had gone, she sort of lost her taste for being read to. Not that anyone would have been willing to read to her anyway. Well, maybe her mom had offered once or twice, but Katie had brushed her off insisting that she'd much rather play outside.

Who comes up with a plan like that anyway, a pea under the mattress? She couldn't remember but she assumed it was the sort of maniacal plan only an evil step mother could hatch. But she had been completely enraptured with the idea that someone was so special that she could identify the tiniest of variations.

Of course even at five she had known she couldn't have felt so much as a bowling ball hidden beneath her mattress.

Still, it was a nice idea.

And it was at that precise moment that her eyes lit upon it. Right in the center of the floor, delicately rolling on its side. She picked it up and quickly hit the button to get them moving again.

She tilted her head and reinserted the earring. As she brought her arms back down to her side, he caught her hand in his. She glanced at him, but he was facing forward and his features were unreadable.

She let him hold it all the way to the bottom floor, then across the wide, bright lobby and out the front door.

When they emerged onto the city at dusk, he moved to release her hand. She squeezed his hand and he looked at her puzzled, but didn't let go.

She knew that maybe it wouldn't last or work or ever be what it should be, but she was going to hold on as long as she could.


	8. Chapter 8

K, new chapter. I originally intended it to be longer, but it seemed like a good place to stop. So following this one will be one more chapter and an epilogue.

Oh, and I know nothing about international law, so if you do, just pretend I got it right, k?

**Ch 8**

He stood apart from them, Kate and her sister, backing himself into the corners of the room, not wanting to intrude. Their arms were wrapped around each other tight, neither one willing to let go just yet. He couldn't see Kate's face. Her straightened hair fell over it, hiding the tears that her shuddering shoulders gave away.

Liz pulled away, presumably examining her sister for any signs of damage, or even just normal wear and tear. Kate wiped furiously at her cheeks and Liz smiled, smearing her own tears away. 

"Awww, Katie –Bug." She said. Kate choked out a laugh and hugged her again.

And all the time, Jack stood watching. The lights in the gallery were severe, intensifying the harsh, white walls. The light threw bright shards across the room, slicing paintings and overdressed and overstuffed people and tables of uncorked wine bottles. Kate stood directly in the path of one of the arcs of light. It landed on her cheek, then her nose, then her hair as she held on to her sister. It was unbelievable how she could look so beautiful in the too bright, antiseptic light that only served to highlight other people's flaws.

He tried to tear his eyes from her, tried not to draw too much attention to her with his rapt expression. He couldn't look away. She glanced quickly at him and her sister's eyes followed. He starred back for a brief moment. It was uncanny how similar they looked. Liz had fewer freckles and her eyes were more blue than green, but they had identical button noses and wide, generous mouths. And with Kate's hair momentarily tamed and straight, they could pass for twins.

"Irish twins." Kate had called them a few weeks ago. That was when she had told him about 'the plan.' About how it had worked before.

It was too dangerous for them to meet in the States. Liz was pretty consistently tracked by US Marshals hoping Kate would try to make contact. But international law made that difficult outside of the country. Difficult but not impossible.

They still took every precaution possible. Liz always had legitimate reasons for traveling. Specific, checkable meetings with local galleries and museums, potential buyers and wealthy individuals looking to commission a painting.

And they always met very briefly, too briefly for either of their liking.

He though about the things that had changed in the past few weeks, and for a second he was back in Africa. After he had read the letter, Jack sat on the edge of the bed in their spare, dimly lit tent. She was sitting on her knees behind him, fidgeting nervously. Was the girl never still? When he handed the letter back to Kate, she took it quickly in her hands, she was trembling slightly, as though not having it had been killing her. She took the pages out, glanced at them briefly, and reinserted them, waiting for his reaction. He still sat silent, wringing his hands, fighting off the urge to yell at her just how absurd it all was. How easily she could be seen. How it was far too dangerous to even attempt.

She hadn't met his eyes, but she didn't need to. He knew how much this meeting must mean to her. How much she needed to have contact with someone from back there. Someone who knew everything, had seen everything, but still loved her anyway.

He watched her fingers glide over the letters that formed her name and his together. And he knew he'd do whatever she wanted, damn the consequences.

But in this space, this clinical, stark, clean space, Africa seemed a world away and a lifetime ago. He finally looked away from Kate and Liz and tied to focus on one of the paintings. Solid black frame, bright splashes of orange and red, too much red. Wasn't really his taste anyway. His eyes landed on a well dressed man with a glass of red wine carelessly tilted in one hand. He was watching Kate and Liz too. How long had he been there?

Fear crept in, threatening to stop his heart entirely. He glanced back at Kate, she hadn't noticed him yet. Then he glanced back at the man, he was now staring directly at him. Jack carefully, deliberately set his own glass down on the small table next to him. Then quickly began to close the distance between Kate and himself.

The crowd at the opening was growing, he had to push through small groups and couples, mainly all pseudo-intellectuals trying to look thoughtful and important while examining the obscure artist's work. Though his strides were long and fast, he didn't seem to be gaining any ground, he felt as though he were moving through water. The blind sort of panic that he had just begun to feel was threatening to take over and the rushing in his ears grew louder.

Kate looked at him, confused by the concern that must have been evident in his expression. Her eyes widened and, almost in slow motion, she flipped her head to look at what had caused Jack's panic. When she turned again to face him, she had a slight smile.

The smile grew and she began to laugh. Jack stopped walking and tried to calm his pounding heart and erratic breath. What the hell was going on?

And then it hit him, he was so Goddamn stupid.

He put his hand over his eyes and looked away from her, a sheepish smile appearing against his will.

She held out her hand to him, beckoning him to her side. The other gentleman approached as well.

When he got close to her, she took his hand and shook her head slightly. "Jack," She said, the smile never fading, "I'd like you to meet Lizzie's husband, Patrick."

Patrick held out his hand and Jack shook it firmly. "Hey Man." He said apologetically. Jack nodded and grinned back. "Good to meet you."

"And my sister," she said it nervously, why he'd never know, he adored her already.

The four of them stood awkwardly for a moment before Liz interjected and suggested they move to a quieter corner of the gallery. Jack and Kate followed Liz and Patrick to a nearly invisible opening at the right rear of the large room. As they passed the wine and cheese table, Patrick leaned over and stealthily swiped a bottle of champagne. Liz and Kate laughed at the same time, the same high pitched giggle. It was slightly unnerving. Liz looked around covertly and grabbed a massive plate of sliced fruit and incredibly expensive cheese. She tried, rather unsuccessfully, to hide it behind her back.

Kate laughed again and shoved her slightly in the shoulder. "Aren't you, you know, running the opening?"

"Shhh!" Liz whispered looking straight forward, eyes scanning the crowd comically. "All the more reason to be stealth."

Her happiness was beautiful, but all too fleeting, and as their time to leave grew nearer and nearer, their small party grew quiet. They spoke in hushed whispers in their tiny alcove of a corner, urging the seconds to slow, pace them selves and allow them just a bit more time. Patrick began to glance at his watch as the hour grew late and the guests slowly filtered out of the gallery. A dark sort of sadness entered Kate's eyes. Jack hadn't seen that look for a long, long time, not even during their recent arguments. It was the sort of heavy hearted look that didn't disappear for days, but clung to her like head cold you just can't shake.

Jack leaned out of the alcove and scanned the diminishing crowd, there were only stragglers left now. People who had coupled off were flirting and leaning against walls between the garish paintings, teetering on the edge between tipsy and drunk. Some younger kids, early twenties maybe, were dressed nice, but not in the finery of the wealthy, older patrons. They were lingering at the food, pocketing napkins that held crackers and cheese for later. Nothing like free food to draw visitors to an art gallery. One of the neatly pressed waiters was just beginning to lock the door when two men forcefully pushed their way in. In the vast empty space, there words echoed and reverberated loudly all the way back to where the four of them sat.

"I apologize Sir, the gallery is closed for the evening."

Jack saw a glimmer as one of the men hold something out to the waiter. He couldn't see clearly across the long room, but he instinctively knew what it was and reached for Kate's arm.

"We have to leave. Now." He said to her. 

Even as he said it, he heard the Marshall's words over his own, loud and clear despite the distance. "We're looking for a Katherine Austen. We have reason to believe she may be in the area." 

Then another voice, gruffer than the first "Have you seen her?" Jack could almost picture the guy holding out her mug shot.

Kate stiffened for a half second, then looked at her sister. "Back way out?" She said, her voice clear and fearless.

"Kitchen." Liz whispered, pointing to a small hallway just to the left. They would half to walk across the back wall to get to it. Jack risked another peek around the door frame. The two marshals were now interrogating a couple closest to the exit. Their backs were turned, but only just. They would have to go now, and they would have to go quick.

Kate stared at her sister for the briefest of moments. "I love you." She said, she didn't seem quite so fearless saying goodbye. Liz said nothing, just squeezed her hand and looked after her with bright eyes. Jack pulled on her arm. As much as he wanted her to have that moment, he wanted them to be out of there more desperately. One quick glance back at the marshals, and they hurried quickly along the back wall.

They didn't make it more than a few steps when they heard a Marshal shout "Hey!"

Glancing back, Jack saw both marshals reach towards their sidearms. Then everything happened so quickly that later he wasn't quite sure of the exact sequence of events. Kate's eyes moved quickly around the room, frantically searching for a way out. Liz began to walk forward, positioning herself between the Marshall and Jack and Kate. She looked at Kate, who shook her head furiously back and forth. "No." she said firmly. "Uhuh, no."

Liz mouthed "Go." And Jack pushed her forward towards the Kitchen. Kate fought against him, resisting and trying in vain to release herself from him.

They heard the Marshall yell "Stop!"

But then, just as they were turning into the small hallway Liz shouted. "You lookin for me?" her voice rang out, clear and fearless as Kate's had been minutes before.

It was the last thing they heard, Jack slammed the door shut and wedged a large cart of bread in front of it. Then he pulled Kate through the kitchen and out the door onto the street.


	9. Chapter 9

All I can say is massive amounts of PMS went into this, consider yourself warned. Also, I watched a lot of What Kate Did while writing it, so its kinda reminiscent of that - I think.…

Also if you or anyone you know speaks Czech, I sincerely apologize for the absolute butchering of the language. At any rate, this chapter is very Prague-y. Or at least what I imagine Prague to be like, never having actually been there, or anywhere really.

**Ch 9**

They stumbled out into the night, it was nearly 3am in a foreign city, and neither of them could immediately get their bearings. Jack swung his head around in every direction trying to figure out where their hotel ought to be. Still clutching at her hand, he arbitrarily chose to go left and pulled Kate behind him. They moved in the direction of loud thumping music and flickering bluish lights. Jack could only presume that it was a club and there would be a crowd of young drunk people that they could disappear into. The only thing he was basing this on was a couple of spy movies he had seen as a kid, and since Kate wasn't offering up any ideas, he went with it.

He looked back at her briefly. Her arm was stretched out in front of her and she followed behind him, matching him step for step. But he could swear she didn't see him at all. She tripped over some broken pavement, barely even noticing she clutched at her stomach and a sob wracked her entire body.

They were closer to the source of the music now, and Jack could hear voices above it. The music was harsh, so was the language the people were speaking and Jack couldn't understand a word of it. But the crowd was thick and they pushed their way through it. Suddenly everything was so incongruous, how had they even gotten here, from an island in the middle of the pacific to a club in Eastern Europe. A strange sensation, like vertigo or nausea passed through him, but he pressed on.

He kept turning to check one her, afraid of loosing her in the swelling crowd. Finally they made it to a corner. He turned Kate toward him easily, her body simply obeying. Her eyes didn't meet his, she scanned the crowd almost absently.

"Kate!" He spoke to her, shouted really, over the crowd. He put her hands on her face and steered her head to meet his.

"Kate. She's okay, Liz is going to be okay."

She said something inaudible and tears spilled down her cheeks. The lights flashed, blue, then green, then red. Her eyes flickered in them, vacant and still refusing to meet his. Sometimes she would just get lost in herself. He could almost see the dark thoughts, always swirling just below the surface, threatening to swallow her whole. Up until this point, she had always managed to fight off the black and find her way back to him. He was so afraid that one of these days she wouldn't. And he knew, he just fucking _knew_, this could be that time. He had never seen her quite this bad. She was so absent.

"Kate, look at me." He pleaded and she dragged her eyes to meet his. "Liz is a smart girl, she knows not to lie. She's going to be fine. I promise you."

She looked straight at him, her hands reaching for him, clutching at his lapels. She nodded slightly, and she believed him. He could tell by the way she looked at him, the way her eyes just about glimmered with an endearing combination of vulnerability and trust. He was drawn to it, but so afraid at the same time. Because what the hell did he know? Why did he insist on making promises he couldn't keep? He thought he could be right, but what if he wasn't? What if they took Liz into custody and never released her. Unlikely, but there were no assurances.

Kate shook her head as though trying to startle herself into coherence. When she spoke again, she seemed much more lucid. "We have to find somewhere safe to spend the night."

A girl wearing what looked like a thin foil top crashed into them, pulling her date with her. She then proceeded to look at them as though they were the ones who had rudely gotten in her way. Kate glared at the girl, but Jack moved out of their way, murmuring in Kate's ear, "Lets just go."

Their spot against the wall was being taken over by a growing line for the Ladies room anyway. They were pushed further into the crowd and Jack tried his best to keep Kate in his sights. He lost her, but only for a second. She grabbed his hand in the mess and pushed through people so she was next to him. They made their way to a back exit and emerged onto a completely different street.

A cold wind traveled through them as they got further and further away from the crowd. Fall was fast approaching and leaves rustled above them, they loosed themselves from thin branches and swirled toward them in the dark, Kate pulled her jacket tighter around her and moved closer to Jack. Instinctively he wrapped his arm around her and they moved to the darker interior of the sidewalk, snug against the buildings and just outside the bright circles cast by street lights. Together they hurried down the street.

-------------

They hadn't been walking long when Kate ducked out from beneath his arm and squinted, trying to make out a building across the street.

"This way." She said as she quickly glanced up and down the street and jogged across it. He had no idea where she was going, but he followed her anyway.

About a block up, he could finally see what she had been looking at. In the middle of the industrial area they had been trying to maneuver their way through, there was inexplicably a very large, very old Catholic church.

Kate stopped in front of the steps and looked up at the ancient stone structure. "Think its open?" she asked him.

He took the steps two at a time and looked back to see her still standing there with her head tilted towards the sky. "One way to find out." She hurried up after him.

They pushed the heavy doors opened and a soft light spilled out onto the cold street. They ducked in when they saw that the place, though nearly empty, was definitely open. Save for an old woman in the front left pew and a man who shuffled past them out the open door, they had the place to themselves.

They chose a pew towards the back, deep in the shadows of the already dim great room of the church. There was what looked like an antechamber only a few yards behind their pew that would be perfect for a quick getaway, should the need arise. Their escape route was almost completely hidden by a large statue of the Virgin Mary that had been adorned with flowers and votive candles.

She stared straight ahead, looking at the interior of the church but seeing none of it. She hadn't been inside many churches before, and she couldn't ever remember being in a Catholic one. She hadn't been raised with much in the way of religion. As a matter of fact, the only time she heard her mother talk about God, it was in the context of yelling at her. As in "God damnit, Katherine." Or "Jesus Christ, Katie!" And her personal favorite "God help you if I find you Katherine Elizabeth!" Her mother had screamed it after her at the top of her lungs every time she had run from the house, slamming the rickety screen door, not stopping or slowing till she reached Tom's house a full two and a half miles away.

From what Jack had told her, he had been raised Lutheran, but apart from that, she had no clue about his belief system. They had just never gotten around to talking about it. Weird how you could know someone so intimately, love him even, yet not know something so fundamental as whether or not he believed in God.

"Do you believe in God, Jack?" There was no preface, she just blurted out the question. He turned to look at her, and didn't speak for a moment. He opened his mouth, then shut it again. She wondered if he was censoring his answer, or trying to tell her what she wanted to hear. She didn't even know what she wanted his answer to be.

She looked at him expectantly. He sighed and shook his head. "No." he said simply, offering no explanation.

"Do you?" he asked after a brief silence.

She shrugged, "Maybe on my good days." She was so noncommittal. The more she thought about it, the less she wanted to dwell on the ramifications of what that might mean.

She rubbed her palm over the wood on the pew directly in front of them, it was worn and smooth with age. Her eyelids suddenly felt very heavy. She reached for his hand and tilted his wrist toward her to read his watch. It was nearly 4 am.

When she released his hand, he ran it through her hair straight through to the ends of it. She saw him blink heavily and scooted closer to him on the bench, gingerly resting her head on his shoulder. He kept his hand in her hair, continuing to absently pull at the straightened strands.

"Huh." he said almost to himself.

"Yeah?" she said as she glanced at a small table full of red candles, some lit and some dark.

"Nothing," He sad, "I just kinda miss the curls."

The feel of his fingers in her hair lulled her into a delicious sleepiness. There was something about the place that was surprisingly comforting. Or maybe it was having him right next to her. Or perhaps it was the two together, but for whatever reason she felt safer than she had in ages. The sensation was not at all what she'd expected to feel given the days events. She gave into the dreamlike quality of her surroundings and sank deeper into him. She didn't even try to keep her eyes open.

"I just don't know about the whole heaven and hell tie in with God." He said it low, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Hmmm," she murmured into his shoulder, not even opening her eyes.

"I never liked the idea of it. Heaven I mean." He continued.

"Yeah," She shifted slightly, trying to get more comfortable on the unyielding pew. She wrapped both arms around his middle, below his jacket, and her head slid onto his chest. "Paradise sucks."

She heard him breathe a laugh, but he kept talking. "It just sort of negates all the good parts. It seems….wrong. It implies that there's something better." He stopped and she waited, her eyes now open. She was, for once in her life, completely still. "Something better than this."

He stopped speaking and she was suddenly more awake. She lifted her head and looked at him. His eyes shifted away from her, he looked slightly embarrassed that he had said it all out loud.

She just kept looking at him, waiting for his eyes to make their way back to hers. Just the fact that he had said it, and _meant_ it, because he so obviously believed what he was saying, it meant more to her than he could ever know. That somehow, despite the chaos, and mess and absolute uncertainty of their situation, being with her made him happy.

After a few moments, he glanced down at her and shrugged.

Without saying a word she craned her neck and brushed his lips with hers, so slight at first, so slow. He brought both hands to her face and she sat up straighter, leaning into him at the same time, her mouth never leaving his. The kiss intensified, but stayed slow, almost meandering. He pushed his hands back along her jaw line and into her hair and she wrapped her arms even tighter around him. They stayed like that, finding each other again, bridging the subtle distance that had somehow grown, and mending everything that had gone wrong since they had left their room that morning.

They only broke apart when a large banging noise echoed in their ears. She felt Jack's heart leap simultaneously with hers and they turned quickly towards the source of the noise. The tiny old woman from the front of the church had made her way down the long center aisle and was now standing at the end of their pew. She was a slight, wisp of a woman, but imposing all the same since she was alternating between banging her cane loudly on the end of the pew and shaking it at them threateningly.

"Desny! Ne respekt nebot privest do kostela!" She shouted at them as she shuffled towards the door to leave. They both just stared after her, bewildered. Kate was nearly on the verge of tears trying to hold back her laughter. She brought a hand to her mouth and pressed hard.

The woman stared back at them, then gestured at the heavy door yelling at them in Czech again. Neither of them moved. Kate finally elbowed Jack in the ribs and said through the corner of her mouth, "Help her with the door, Jack." Why she whispered, she had no idea, the woman could no more understand them than they could understand her.

Jack stumbled to his feet and hurried to help her. As he held the door open and she hobbled out, she glared at him and shook her head. He looked just like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He walked sheepishly back to her, a wry smile on his lips.

She grinned at him and held her hand out. He caught it in his as he sat back down. He shook his head lightly, "What was she doing out at 4 in the morning anyway?"

Jack woke up slow, he didn't immediately know where he was, all he knew was that his neck was killing him. He blinked in the early morning light and tried to get his bearings. It seemed he was doing that a lot lately.

In the harsh light of day, the church seemed less beautiful and quite a bit shabbier. It was a building more suited to low lamp light than streaming sunshine. He looked up at the stained glass windows that ran the length of the church and almost changed his mind.

Kate groaned next to him and her hand shot up to her neck as she gingerly moved her head back and forth.

"Sleep good?" He asked her. She just stared back at him blankly. "Me either." He nodded.

It was still early enough that the church was nearly empty, but soon that wouldn't be the case. He glanced at his watch, hoping to God, or something else, that it wasn't Sunday. Kate stretched her arms above her head and tried to crack her back.

They looked at each other until Jack finally said what they were both thinking.

"Now what?"


	10. Epilogue

When she quietly slipped out of bed he stirred, and when she opened the front door, the ocean entered his dreams. It would have anyway, without the help of the distant, familiar sound. Even when he wasn't living within earshot of the sea, even when he was hundreds of miles from any serious body of water, when he slept he could feel himself keeling over waves that didn't exist.

And the dreams always take him back there.

In this one he's walking away from her. She follows him until she just stops, unwilling to put up the fight anymore.

He doesn't turn to see her stare after him, but he knows she does all the same. He heads toward the beach, and the surf gets louder as he puts a comfortable distance between them. It was so much easier when he could convince himself, and her too, that he just didn't give a shit.

The part of him that knew it was just a dream reached for her under the heavy blankets. But his hands only collided with cold air and mussed blankets. He slowly shook off the dream as his hands traveled over the sheets.

He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes, he wondered what time it was, but it was far too dark to read his watch.

He knew she couldn't have gone far. It had been snowing heavily for days and the few roads that made it all the way up to their temporary home were under thick feet of snow. Not that she'd go anywhere anyway, but there was always the vague, unspoken worry in the back of his mind.

He swung his legs groggily out of bed, knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep till he found her. His feet were cold. Again. His toes curled when they hit the bare wood floor and he moved his feet around until they connected with his tennis shoes. He slipped his feet in and marveled at the fact that they now felt even colder. Would he ever just feel warm?

He stood up and glanced at his sweatpants balled up at the end of the bed where Kate had hastily discarded them. He though about the struggle that would ensue were he to attempt to pull them on over his shoes, and gave up without even trying. Instead he grabbed the heavy down comforter and wrapped it around his shoulders. He felt ridiculous, like a 6 year old with a makeshift cape, but at least he was warm.

He wandered into the hall and his undone shoelaces clicked on the floor. As he passed the rickety old heater, he kicked it. Fucking thing. He made his way to the living room, hoping she was sitting snug on the couch trying to keep warm. But she wasn't there, and the little fire in the Ben Franklin stove had gone out anyway. Nor was she in the kitchen or the bathroom. He was running out of viable hiding places.

He headed towards the front door. The knob was like ice, but he didn't care because as he pushed the door open he could see her standing at the edge of the porch, staring into the black. She had what Jack could only assume was the thinnest blanket in the house wrapped tightly around her shoulders. But she didn't shiver at all, just stood stoic, framed by the door like the lost heroin in a John Ford movie.

She either didn't hear him or didn't acknowledge him, he wasn't sure which. The surf was so much louder out here, tumbling recklessly into the cliffs just yards beyond their door. Trying not to disturb her, he leaned against the door frame and continued to take her in. She didn't belong here, just south of the Arctic Circle, just north of some nameless Norwegian fishing town. She belonged in the heat and the sand and too bright sun.

At least her feet were warm. Her slender, bare legs ended in fuzzy, tan, boot like slippers. He suddenly recalled a dream he had ages ago. Back before Africa and Prague, across oceans and all the places between there and here. He was at home in LA, and she was on his balcony, trapped outside in a snowstorm. She hadn't been wearing shoes, and he had worried. That's just what he did, he worried, even in his dreams.

A cold wind pushed her hair back, yet she remained still. Finally, she turned her head toward him slightly, the moon illuminated her profile and he could see her dimple form as she smiled.

"You just gonna stand there Shepard, or are you gonna come over here and warm me up?" she raised her eyebrows.

He smiled and nodded into the dark, with out a word he approached her and wrapped his arms and the heavy blanket around her. She leaned her back into his chest and their bare legs and heads were the only parts of them at the mercy of the wind.

He wondered if this was the first night she had gotten up like this. He doubted it. It was far more likely that this was just the first night he had noticed. It was her MO. They'd move somewhere, stay for a couple weeks, or months if he was lucky, then she'd get restless. She'd go to bed later and wake up earlier, pad around the hotel rooms or houses or apartments she couldn't leave, fidgeting and constantly on edge while she tried to make herself useful. Usually she only succeeded in making herself and him more nervous .

He tried not to think about it as he held on to her. It was weird how her body seemed to radiate a heat from within, impervious to the extreme cold. He didn't know how long she'd been out there, but surely she should feel colder than this. His hands moved down her nearly bare body, passing lightly over her tank top and underneath at her stomach. His other hand rested on her angular hip bone, his fingertips just dipping underneath her cotton underwear.

She leaned back and tired to look at him. "This hand action gonna go anywhere, or are you just making sure I'm still in tact?"

"When are we leaving?" he asked.

She exhaled slowly. If he had to, he would have guessed that she closed her eyes too, but he couldn't be sure.

"Leaving?" she asked casually.

"Yeah, leaving." He continued. "You seem…distracted."

"Look around, Jack." She tried to gesture to the snow laden trees and hills around them, but her arms were bound by the blankets. "We can't exactly go anytime soon."

He nodded, his chin bobbing up and down on her shoulder.

"And we haven't been outside for days, I just needed some fresh air."

"Okay." If she was willing to say it, he was willing to believe it.

She maneuvered her face around to the right and kissed his jaw lightly. "Look up." She whispered.

He tilted his face skyward. It was the kind of night sky that only comes after a big storm, when things are cold and windblown and so clean.

"Ever seen that many stars?" she asked. He glanced at her, her face alight with astonishment, almost childlike in a naïve sort of wonder.

"Nope." He answered honestly.

She looked back at him, the openness in her expression was gradually clouded by something more akin to regret.

"We will have to leave eventually though." She said.

"I know." He looked at her a second, then as an afterthought added "What do you say we go someplace warm?"

Then she grinned that lopsided smile that made everything worth it and she turned to face him inside that big bedspread, her abandoned blanket slipped unnoticed to the floor. She kissed him and her hands slid upward and out of the warm confines of the blanket, pulling his face closer to hers.

And as she wrapped her legs around him and he carried her inside he knew that it would never be normal.

As he made for the bedroom, he knew that they would always have to take care and exist only in the dark corners of the world.

When she murmured something about fire and living room, he switched direction. And he knew that they would never be able to just throw some sleeping bags in the car and head up the 101, elope at the Santa Barbara courthouse, then make their way as far as the Washington coast, stopping whenever they wanted just to fool around and laughing all the way there.

As he smiled and dropped her unceremoniously on the couch, he knew that being with her meant doing without certain bits of himself. And he knew he was capable of it because he knew she was making different sacrifices for him. Because at the core of it, that's what loving somebody means, and he knew he loved her.

As he crouched in front of the old fashioned stove and rekindled the fire, he turned to look at her he knew that he could never fix what had once been broken, he'd just have to make do with all the good that was left in her. And there was so much of it that the fixing didn't really seem necessary anyway.

He slipped off his shoes and they both laughed as she tried to detangle herself from the folds of the blanket. And as he removed her slippers and pulled of her underwear, he knew that he didn't know much of anything at all, he just wanted to be where she was. The two of them could reside in this beautiful mess as long as it would let them.

And minutes later, Jack was finally warm. All of him from his fingertips to his toes.

They slept late, only actually moving from the couch to the bed just before the sun rose. Then they busied themselves with mundane household chores. Kate attempted to fix the busted heater because Jack was just no use with tools unless they were of the medical persuasion.

He made them lunch in the tiny, sparse kitchen. Then, just after it got dark, they got sufficiently bundled and went for a short walk above the cliffs.

The stars weren't quite as bright as the previous night, but the moon gave off enough light to make walking the precarious path safe. At the far edge of the sky, there was a blue glow that moved and shone like heat waves, they could see the northern lights. It was the first time either of them had seen it.

Kate moved closer to the edge of the cliff and looked at the dark ocean below. Jack did the same.

The frothy, angry surf would find its way to other shores through warmer currents. It would travel slowly, exiting the dark night of the North, circumnavigating the globe until it turned blue-green with heat and lapped lazily at more temperate beaches under a Pacific sun.

Maybe the water churning beneath them, moving too quickly to even reflect the moon, would find their lost island easier then anyone else could. Maybe it would reside there quietly for years, shaping the already smooth coast line.


End file.
